9:00pm: Arrive at bar (take a shot)

9:15pm: See someone you hardly know (take a shot)

9:30pm: Smoke a cigarette

9:37pm: Piss (take a shot)

10:00pm: Think you are handsome enough to hit on girl (take a shot)

10:03pm: Girl leaves after taking shot (take a shot)

10:36pm: Smoke a cigarette

10:45pm: Realize at least at a strip club you can see boobs

11:00pm: See ex’s sister (take a shot)

11:15pm: See ex’s friend (take two shots)

11:28pm: Make ex’s friend smoke cigarette with you

11:53pm: Give stripper a lap dance

12:01am: Buy ex’s sister, ex’s friend, manager, waitress, stripper, bartender, & bathroom attendant a shot

12:24am: Piss and smoke a cigarette

12:37am: Buy ex’s friend a shot and take a fake shot (try not to puke)

1:13am: Watch ex’s sister and ex’s friend dance on stage

1:21am: Order another round of shots for every staff member including valet and busboy

1:46am: Invite ex’s sister and friend to house

2:20am: Purchase after hours beer at $5 a pop from taqueria

2:34am: Arrive at home, invite in ex’s friend & sister, and four neighbors arriving home from bar

2:36am: Take a shot

2:43am: Decide to go swimming

2:47am: Open door to go to the pool and see ex about to knock

2:48am: Watch three strippers fight in your front yard (ex, ex’s friend & ex’s ex friend who is visiting you)

3:12am: Go skinny dipping with ex’s ex friend while neighbor sits at side of pool and drinks beer

4:07am: Have police officer tell you to put your clothes on

4:16am: Find out ex’s ex friend has a boyfriend as he arrives to pick her up

4:47am: Meet next door neighbor for the first time

4:53am: Find out previous tenant of your apartment committed suicide in bathtub

4:53am-Moving Out Date: Never jerk off in the shower again…

whose sister you have hooked up with: “Just because your sister and I don’t talk doesn’t mean we can’t hook up.”

bragging about getting free drinks on ladies’ night: “I’d rather pay for drinks and not be a dumb c@nt.”

you have just made out with: “I bet you I can get your home-girl to make out with me!”

who don’t remember hooking up with you: “Seriously…you’ve had my d!ck in your mouth.”

to girls with big boobs: “Hey there, titty bags!”

to a girl who says it would be weird to sleep together because you are friends: “I don’t really attach emotion to sex.”

who are you ex’s best friend: “No, it’s cool…I asked her persmission (whether you did or not, they don’t care).”

who are making out with you and are more sober than you: “Dude, this is awesome (as you grab a hand-load of ass).”

that show you their promise ring: “When are you going to break up with him, so we can f*ck?”

who are your friend & complaining about their weight: “No, really you look you can take a mean d*ck!”

that broke up with you because you drink too much: “Hey, I know I’m drunk, but I think we make a good match…I’ll cut down on the drinking. Miss you!”

standing right next to their boyfriend: “Hey, can me and my homeboy make out with you?”

that say they have better ass than the stripper on stage: “Can I lick it?”

that you ever want to date: “I was engaged to a stripper.”

NOTE: Never listen to an 18 year old girl who says she drinks all the time and says she never throws up. She will not only throw up, but poop on you. Then you will wrap her in your bed sheets like a poop covered mummy and throw her on the floor.

STEPS TO CLEAN POOP:

1. Wash balls in sink
2. Put hand sanitizer on balls
3. Use 13 baby wipes on balls
4. Take 2 hour shower while whimpering
5. Never talk to girl again, or in my case
6. Tell the girl she pooped on you and then go backdoor on her…I’ll never learn

Everytime I wake up after drinking I have to check my cellphone’s recent text log to see who I had drunken texted the night (or morning) before. I always delete these messages, and it’s usually to girls I want to sleep with (but won’t sleep with me), girls I have slept with (and never will sleep with me again), or pictures of my balls or poop. The messages are very well articulated which makes people think I am sober…but I am not…never ever…